Tag Archives: movie reviews

Horrors of Netflix: “Lizzie”

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LizzieMoviePosterAfter suffering through “Dead End” and wondering what the hell I was thinking when I decided to do these reviews throughout the month of October, I once again found myself perusing through the horror section of Netflix, cracking up at the movie posters and cringing at the brief plot outlines. I stopped when I saw the poster for “Lizzie.”

An overview, via Netflix:

“The brutal 1892 hatchet murders of the infamous Lizzie Borden acquittal come alive when present-day Lizzie Allen moves back into her childhood home. Suffering from amnesia, she struggles to uncover the mysteries of her youth — and the distant past.”

Sounds terrible enough for me- and- wait, what’s that? Gary Busey is in this?

Well then, what are we waiting for?!

And like always whenever I write a movie review, this post will include some detailed spoilers, so if for whatever reason you feel compelled to actually sit through “Lizzie,” don’t continue reading.

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Horrors of Netflix: “Dead End”

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DeadEndMoviePosterI haven’t done a movie review in a while, mostly because the majority of movies I’ve seen in recent months have fallen under the action and/or comedy category, and critiquing horror films is really more of my forte. Thankfully, with Halloween approaching, there is no shortage of scary movies to be found, be they in theaters or on television. My favorite collection, however, lies in the seedy underworld that is the Netflix queue. You see, Netflix, while having a brilliant selection of movies and compelling TV series available for viewing- is also a treasure trove for some of the worst, the cheapest, the absolute most unwatchable movies and shows in the history of film and television. This rings especially true in the horror movie category.

I love cheesy horror movies almost as much, if not more, than I love genuinely well-made horror movies or cult classics. I like watching the particular bad ones with a group of friends, which almost always turns the screening into something right out of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” with all of us laughing at and/or adding commentary during the movie.

That being said, I decided to get into the Halloween spirit this month by selecting some of these unquestionably bad horror movies on my Netflix queue, suffering through them, and reviewing them for your (and my) pleasure. I’m calling this series of posts “Horrors of Netflix,” and first up on the list is 2003’s “Dead End.”

I’ve seen “Dead End” before. More than once, actually. The first time was with friends, back when Blockbuster Video was still an active thing and not a relic from the past that people can look at in museums these days to learn about ancient civilizations, We had been looking for a horror movie to pass a lazy Saturday night and the cover to “Dead End” caught our attention.

The second time I watched this movie was days after the first time, when I wanted to confirm that it really was as bad as I’d originally thought and that I hadn’t hallucinated it’s terribleness or anything.

Needless to say, when it popped up on Netflix, I was pretty excited to get the opportunity to watch it in all it’s awful glory one more time to kick things off for this series of reviews.

Please be warned, this review will contain spoilers. If you DO NOT want to know how this movie ends, do not click the link below.

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Review: “The Last Exorcism Part II”

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TheLastExorcismIIPosterI have a bad habit when it comes to movie sequels: if I’ve seen the first one, then I have to see them all until the series is done- even if the movies get progressively more and more terrible (case in point: the “Paranormal Activity” movies, or the “Saw” series). I suppose it’s just because I don’t like to leave anything, not just movies, unfinished. If I start something, I need to see it through to the end.

I’ll just say it now: I thought “The Last Exorcism”, the first one (which makes the sequel title more than a little silly), was boring and predictable. The plot itself wasn’t actually too terrible: A disillusioned minister, who has perfected the art of “faking” exorcisms to ail people having emotional and psychological episodes, is called in to help a teenage girl, Nell, who is thought to be possessed in Louisiana (of course it’d take place in Louisiana) . Thinking it will be a run of the mill job, he allows a filming crew who are making a documentary to follow him so he can show just how fraudulent exorcisms are. It goes without saying that things go bad very quickly. The bible-thumping Bayou folk don’t take kindly to the minister or his film crew, there’s a pretty good chance Nell is legitimately possessed by an actual demon, and as the minister tries to save Nell, and himself, he uncovers a slew of secrets about the girl’s family, and the town itself.

Promising premise. Poor execution. The movie wasn’t scary (even the actual exorcism scene was boring, with the exception of some bone cracking that made all of us in the theater a little uncomfortable), and the ending left everyone scratching their heads in confusion or shaking their heads in frustration because of how rushed and thrown together it was. It’s available right now on Netflix, if any of you feel inclined to check it out for yourselves.

Regardless, the film did well enough in theaters that they made a sequel, and last night, I headed out to see it with a friend.

*CAUTION: CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK. INTENSIVE SPOILERS AFTER THE CUT.*

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Review: “Mama”

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MamaPosterLet me just go ahead and get this out of the way right now: I love Guillermo del Toro. I will watch pretty much anything that has his name attached to it. His style of story-telling and his direction methods make for beautiful and compelling films. I feel weird even just calling them films, to be honest. They’re so much more than that. They’re art, plain and simple. He is an artist- and a brilliant one at that.

Although I’m a  fan of his more well-known and critically acclaimed hits, “Blade 2”, the “Hellboy” movies, and “Pan’s Labyrinth”- I’d say one of my all-time favorites has got to be “The Orphange” (in which he was executive producer). I remember being so thoroughly creeped out and moved by the end of it that I could barely hold a conversation with my friends after we’d watched it. I had gotten so wrapped up in the story that when it was over, I was spent.

I’ve been anticipating “Mama” for a while now. Another executive producing endeavor from del Toro, the previews for it made it look like a visually stunning and scary supernatural thriller. Led by Hollywood’s current favorite leading lady, Jessica Chastain, sporting a rather unusual haircut, it already seemed more promising than my last trip to the cinema had been.

WARNING: THERE ARE EXTENSIVE SPOILERS AFTER THE CUT. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

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Review: “Texas Chainsaw 3D”

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TexasChainsawMassacre3DApart from “The Walking Dead”, my favorite horror franchise is, without a doubt, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. That’s not to say I’ve enjoyed every movie in the series (I like to pretend “The Next Generation” never happened. Sorry, Matthew McConaughey and Renée Zellweger!), but the original 1974 film, which was completely unique for it’s time, coupled with the fact that the actual making of it was bordering snuff film territory- will forever make it a creepy classic that can’t be topped.

And I may be in the minority here, but I thoroughly enjoyed the 2003 re-boot starring Jessica Biel, as well as the 2006 prequel, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning”. I thought both films were genuinely scary, with just the right amount of gore to make you cringe without being desensitized. They had plots that seemed to have had some actual thought put into them, and they were brilliantly cast. R. Lee Ermey’s ruthless, sadistic, and foul-mouthed Sheriff Hoyt will forever be one of horror’s greatest villains.

So when it was announced that there would be a new installment in the series, I was skeptical. There’s only so many ways to make a family of hillbilly cannibals with a penchant for power tools new and fresh without re-making the original (again), and you can’t really develop long-standing fan favorites like Leatherface without completely changing the franchise’s history. I thought the way the prequel ended was excellent. It tied everything, the re-boot, the 1974 original, and every film afterwards, even the bad ones- together perfectly.

When it was announced the new installment would also be in 3D, my skepticism turned into downright cynicism. I’ve said it in the past that 3D is used entirely too much in movies where it’s not really necessary, but in horror films? It’s almost always cheesy*. Case in point: “My Bloody Valentine 3D”.

*I did enjoy “Saw 3D: The Final Chapter”, but I will openly admit that I was biased, as seeing Sean Patrick Flanery in 3D is an experience every woman should have at some point in their lives- and that adorable Jigsaw puppet in 3D completely cracked me up.

Regardless, I am a dedicated fan of TCM, and on Friday night, I headed to the cinema with my friend Stef to catch a screening of “Texas Chainsaw 3D”. I wasn’t expecting much, but I also wasn’t expecting… Well, this…

WARNING: AHOY. AHEAD THERE BE SPOILERS. CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK.

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