What would a season of “Horrors of Netflix” be without the obligatory creepy kid/creepy possessed child film? It’s a horror movie tradition that has been done in every conceivable way and in every possible fashion- leaving little to no room for unique or innovative storytelling. Nevertheless, people keep at it and continue trying to freak audiences out with this done to death plot- and I am here to sit through it and rip it apart.
With one star (just the way I like ’em,) 2015’s “The Chosen” has the expected synopsis:
“To save a young girl from a child-stealing demon, her mother and 19-year-old-uncle must select six other blood relatives for a deadly sacrifice.”
Although I don’t really know why the uncle’s age is pertinent to the description of the plot- I mean, it really doesn’t matter- I would like to say that given the circumstances presented- I would have absolutely no trouble naming six blood relatives I’d sacrifice to a demon. I’d probably sacrifice more of my less-likable family members just to play it safe and make sure the demon was thoroughly appeased.
I’m (half) kidding, of course.
Anyway, let’s get to it. At an hour and twenty eight minutes- which I’m sure will feel like an eternity- I’ll be reviewing and spoiling “The Chosen” at length. If you do not wish to know the details of this movie, including it’s ending- DO NOT CLICK THE “READ MORE/CONTINUE READING” TAB.
Proceed at your own risk!
Have you ever thought to yourself (or maybe you thought it out loud) “there aren’t enough horror movies out there that paint Native Americans in a negative, forever vengeful, bloodthirsty and offensive light?” Well buckle up- because I have good/horrible news for you. I stumbled across one.
At just over an hour and with one star on the usually accurate Netflix rating system, 2016’s “Fairlane Road” repeats the same trite, predictable mistakes it’s desert-based/inspired predecessors have made: the twist(s) can be spotted a mile away, there’s a ton of loose ends that get absolutely no resolution whatsoever and are included purely just to keep this movie from being a measly 30-45 minutes long, instead- and it perpetuates some pretty bad stereotypes about indigenous people that we really, really could have done without.
Worst of all? Unlike the character of Nathan in my recent “Comforting Skin” review- this movie has no redeemable characters. They’re all grating, horrible and over-acted. I know I’m essentially pointing out and picking on the obvious in what I’m sure could be considered an easy target here- but for a movie that doesn’t even try to be different (or scary)– it’s actually irritating by the time you’re minutes away from the ending and praying the credits will start to roll.
I digress! I watched “Fairlane Road” in it’s entirety and gave it the “Horrors of Netflix” treatment it so rightfully deserves. As usual, full spoilers lay beyond the “READ MORE/CONTINUE READING” tab- so if you don’t want to be spoiled and want to see this movie for yourself- DO NOT PROCEED.
You’ve been warned!
Oh.. Oh, God no. We’re back to this. We’re back to my finding the worst-of-the-worst, lowest possibly rated horror films on Netflix, watching them in their entirety- and then thoroughly reviewing (and spoiling) them here throughout the month of October on “Legally Redhead”. Long story short: we’re back for the fourth year of my annual “Horrors of Netflix” series.
Although my recommendations/suggestions list was only recently starting to recover after continually streaming quality shows like “Stranger Things”, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” or re-watching the most recent season of “The Walking Dead” in preparation for this month’s premiere- I’m once again readying myself to destroy my queue for the sake of comedy, cheap scares and over-the-top gore.
However, the biggest challenge this year (and every year, really-) is selecting the first egg to crack in what will undoubtedly be a shitty omelette. Last year saw the series begin with a terrible Val Kilmer movie (we actually had two movies that predominantly featured him last October, go figure-) so I made sure to avoid that as much as possible while browsing Netflix and watching the star rating decrease more and more as I scrolled through title after title.
I was finally near the bottom of what Netflix had to offer when I spotted the poster for “Comforting Skin”. With a one star rating and clocking in at just over an hour and forty minutes- the premise piqued my interest:
“An insecure young woman gets a tattoo, hoping it will boost her confidence. But the design comes to life- taking over her body and mind.”
I can’t say I’ve ever seen a horror movie about a tattoo possessing anyone before- so I knew this would be a good (see: awful) place to start.
As always, I’ll be spoiling this film at length and in detail- so if you don’t want it to be ruined for you or for any reason feel the need to watch this for yourself- DO NOT click on the “Read More/Continue Reading” button.
You’ve been warned.
Welcome to “Horrors of Netflix: 2016”, everyone!
October is pretty much over, and- unfortunately- so is another season of Legally Redhead’s “Horrors of Netflix” series. It’s been a fun ride this past month, briefly interrupted while I traveled to the West Coast for nearly a week- but I feel like I picked some real winners to watch and review this time around (I use the term “winners” very, very loosely of course.)– and I hope those who have been reading my summaries and my suffering have enjoyed the posts as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them.
Of course, I plan on resurrecting “Horrors of Netflix” again in October 2016. By then, I’m sure Netflix will have added a fresh new crop of bad, cheesy, and nonsensical scary movies. I’m looking forward to it!
To close out this year’s assortment of one-star rated travesties, I opted for 2011’s ‘The Ouija Experiment’. Since Halloween falls on a Saturday this year, I’ll be making the rounds around different events and parties without fear of heading to work the following morning- and I do believe one of my friends mentioned breaking out her own Ouija board for fun.
What could go wrong?
The synopsis, via Netflix:
“Film student Brandon and four friends play with a Ouija board, unwittingly opening a portal to the spirit world and a drowned girl’s deadly mystery.”
Oh, this is going to be fun.
AS USUAL- SPOILERS AHEAD. If you don’t want to know the ins and outs of ‘The Ouija Experiment’ (and why wouldn’t you?) DO NOT PROCEED. DO NOT CLICK THE “CONTINUE READING” TAB.
But if you do click it- enjoy!
Oh, “Horrors of Netflix”, how I missed you while I was away on vacation! It’s so nice to be back and browsing all the awful, terrible, and ridiculous selections you have for me to choose from.
With just a few days left until Halloween (this month went by too quickly! Nooooo!) I wanted to get a couple more movies in this year’s series before HoN signs off until next October. I’ve covered ghosts, vampires, Val Kilmer, and hillbilly-eating-pits-in-the-ground- so I thought I’d choose something a little different this time around and check out 2012’s ‘Black Forest’, a sci-fi/fantasy/fairy tale horror movie with a 1 1/2 star rating.
The synopsis, via Netflix:
“When tourists visit a European village and agree to observe a pagan ritual in the forest, they become trapped in an alternate fairy tale dimension.”
This sounds like it’s going to be filled with terrible decision making and even more terrible special effects. Let’s get into it, shall we?
And- of course- there are spoilers ahead! If, for whatever reason, you want to watch “Black Forest” for yourself (and why wouldn’t you?) THEN DO NOT CLICK THE “CONTINUE READING” TAB. I REPEAT. DO NOT PROCEED.
You’ve been warned!
Good morning! I’ve queued up yet another play-by-play of yet another one of Netflix’s poorly rated horror offerings to post on here prior to my cross-country flight to Las Vegas! Does that mean “Horrors of Netflix” is over? Unfortunately not, silly. Don’t be ridiculous! It just means that for the next few days- I won’t have much time to sit down and really watch or concentrate on a movie (apart from any in-flight ones I happen to catch) while I enjoy a mini-vacation filled with some gambling, a little boozin’, plenty of sight-seeing- and attending my lovely friend Kelsey’s wedding in Sin City! From there, I make my way out to San Diego for a couple of days- and then head back home to the East Coast.
“Horrors of Netflix” will be back when I return next week!
Until then, I recently sat through ‘Jug Face’, a one-star rated flick from 2013 that should not be confused with the character Jughead Jones from the Archie Comics series.
The synopsis, via Netflix:
“A pregnant teen tries to flee her backwoods community when she learns she’s to be sacrificed to a monstrous beast that lives in a pit near her town.”
Teenage pregnancy? Backwoods communities? A PIT? This sounds delightfully awful!
And as always- my review (see: suffering) through this movie will be placed behind a “CONTINUE READING” cut for those who would rather see ‘Jug Face’ for themselves, for whatever reason. If you do not want to be spoiled- DO NOT CONTINUE.
You’ve been warned!
In the three years I’ve been writing my “Horrors of Netflix” posts, it’s only recently dawned on me that I’ve never written one about a vampire movie. Sure, I’ve sat through my fair share of ghosts, serial killers, and other paranormal entities (and there was also that one incident with Gary Busey), but the most classic of horror figures- Dracula and his ilk- are scarce.
I decided to rectify that gross oversight this year- and skimmed through the “Vampire Horror Movies” category on Netflix (it’s a real thing!) to find a bottom of the barrel bloodsucker film. To my surprise, I came across a one-star rated flick from 2011, “Twixt”, which was written and directed by none other than Francis Ford Coppola.
While Mr. Coppola is undoubtedly one of the finest writers and directors of all time- he’s also been responsible for some Godawful contributions to the cinematic world (hello, ‘Godfather: Part III’!) and judging solely by the synopsis for ‘Twixt’, this is another one to add to his scrap pile of movies he probably wants to forget about. Unfortunately for him- the internet forgets nothing.
“In this gothic horror film from Francis Ford Coppola, a has-been writer becomes embroiled in a murder mystery during a stop on his book tour.”
While reviewing the synopsis, I also noticed that this movie stars Elle Fanning, and- wait for it…
… Wait for it…
… Val. Kilmer.
I didn’t choose this movie for that reason. I swear.
As usual, I’m putting my break-down of this movie behind a “Continue Reading” tag. If you don’t want to be spoiled and would rather see this movie for yourself- DO NOT PROCEED. You’ve been warned!
Oh, you’re damned right I’m kicking off October with one of my favorite traditions- reviewing the absolute worst horror movies that Netflix has to offer! Maybe it’s because I’m a bit of a masochist, since watching most of these 1-2 star rated flicks on a regular basis over the course of a month could be considered a form of torture or punishment to those with a more refined cinematic palate- but I really and truly do enjoy it. You could say I’m even inspired by these typically low-budget filmmaking endeavors- because you know that as bad as they are (and they usually are pretty terrible)– they came from a place of love and respect for one of my favorite genres, and were made with the best of intentions…
… They’re just almost always executed awfully from start to finish.
Choosing the first movie to sink my teeth into for what will be my third year of doing “Horrors of Netflix” proved to be slightly difficult. I mean, I wanted to start this season’s reviews with a bang. Scrolling down my recommendations and watching as the rating for each film that passed by my eyes gradually became lower and lower and the covers became more and more cheesy- I wanted something that looked suspenseful, not-too-old- and, wait–
— oh my God, is that Val Kilmer? The same Val Kilmer I had a crush on when I was nine?
We have a winner.
2010’s “The Traveler” boasts a rating that falls just a fraction higher than one star. The synopsis, via Netflix:
“A mysterious drifter wanders into a small-town police station and confesses to a series of murders, none of which has occurred… yet.”
Wuh oh. That “yet” in the description is pretty ominous!
As always, I’ll be posting the thorough and detailed review under a “Continue Reading” cut for those who would rather watch the movie for themselves. You’ve been warned! If you don’t want to be spoiled- do not proceed!
Growing up, I’ve never been afraid of clowns. My parents took me to the circus and to carnivals plenty of times without incident- and most of the circus-themed rooms/attractions at haunted houses or Halloween events like New England’s “Spooky World” have done little more than get me to laugh at some of my other friends who are terrified of them (which is making this season of ‘American Horror Story’ particularly enjoyable to watch with them.)
I digress. Despite the likes of Insane Clown Posse being comically terrible and John Wayne Gacy’s overall creep-factor- with and without makeup- clowns just don’t freak me out, but Netflix is loaded with crazy, murderous clown movies. Up until now, I’ve managed to skip over them- but the poster for “Stitches” (and it’s terrible rating,) caught my eye and I felt compelled to give it a shot.
The synopsis, from Netflix:
“After his accidental death, Stitches the criminally insane clown is on the loose and hunting down the young partygoers who caused his untimely demise.”
Right away, I wondered how a group of kids accidentally killed a guy in clown makeup, and from there- I only fell further into the rabbit hole.
As usual, full-spoilers lay ahead. If you don’t want to know what happens in this movie (for whatever reason,) DO NOT CLICK “CONTINUE READING.” YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.
I’m not going to lie, for this installment of “Horrors of Netflix,” I tried to find the shortest movie possible, but one that also had a terrible enough rating where I would still hate myself for sitting through it and the world around me for allowing it to be made in the first place. As much as I inexplicably enjoy torturing myself with bad horror movies- sometimes 90+ minutes of one feels like an eternity and I need a break to appreciate a condensed version of a cinematic atrocity.
My search yielded 2013’s “The Den.” The synopsis, from Netflix:
“While investigating webcam chat habits, a young woman witnesses a gruesome murder online. Now she and those she loves are being pursued by the killer.”
As someone who occasionally uses the webcam built into my laptop and has made the horrible mistake of visiting Chatroulette before- I’m pretty sure seeing a murder would fall into the “tame” spectrum of things I’ve witnessed on the internet. Is “The Den” a cautionary tale of internet stranger-danger? Or is it an ingenious social commentary on this generation’s blind trust and faith in technology and social networking disguised as a 76 minute horror movie with a 1 1/2 star rating on Netflix?
There’s only one way to find out.
As always, this movie will be spoiled- heavily– under the “Read More” tag, so if you want to see this film for yourself and don’t want to know what happens until you do- TURN BACK NOW. You’ve been warned!