Horrors of Netflix: “The Chosen”

Horrors of Netflix: “Fairlane Road”

fairlaneroadposter Have you ever thought to yourself (or maybe you thought it out loud) “there aren’t enough horror movies out there that paint Native Americans in a negative, forever vengeful, bloodthirsty and offensive light?” Well buckle up- because I have good/horrible news for you. I stumbled across one.

At just over an hour and with one star on the usually accurate Netflix rating system, 2016’s “Fairlane Road” repeats the same trite, predictable mistakes it’s desert-based/inspired predecessors have made: the twist(s) can be spotted a mile away, there’s a ton of loose ends that get absolutely no resolution whatsoever and are included purely just to keep this movie from being a measly 30-45 minutes long, instead- and it perpetuates some pretty bad stereotypes about indigenous people that we really, really could have done without.

Worst of all? Unlike the character of Nathan in my recent “Comforting Skin” review- this movie has no redeemable characters. They’re all grating, horrible and over-acted. I know I’m essentially pointing out and picking on the obvious in what I’m sure could be considered an easy target here- but for a movie that doesn’t even try to be different (or scary)– it’s actually irritating by the time you’re minutes away from the ending and praying the credits will start to roll.

I digress! I watched “Fairlane Road” in it’s entirety and gave it the “Horrors of Netflix” treatment it so rightfully deserves. As usual, full spoilers lay beyond the “READ MORE/CONTINUE READING” tab- so if you don’t want to be spoiled and want to see this movie for yourself- DO NOT PROCEED.

You’ve been warned!

Oct 10

Horrors of Netflix: “Comforting Skin”

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comfortingskinposter Oh.. Oh, God no. We’re back to this. We’re back to my finding the worst-of-the-worst, lowest possibly rated horror films on Netflix, watching them in their entirety- and then thoroughly reviewing (and spoiling) them here throughout the month of October on “Legally Redhead”. Long story short: we’re back for the fourth year of my annual “Horrors of Netflix” series.

Although my recommendations/suggestions list was only recently starting to recover after continually streaming quality shows like “Stranger Things”, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” or re-watching the most recent season of “The Walking Dead” in preparation for this month’s premiere- I’m once again readying myself to destroy my queue for the sake of comedy, cheap scares and over-the-top gore.

However, the biggest challenge this year (and every year, really-) is selecting the first egg to crack in what will undoubtedly be a shitty omelette. Last year saw the series begin with a terrible Val Kilmer movie (we actually had two movies that predominantly featured him last October, go figure-) so I made sure to avoid that as much as possible while browsing Netflix and watching the star rating decrease more and more as I scrolled through title after title.

I was finally near the bottom of what Netflix had to offer when I spotted the poster for “Comforting Skin”. With a one star rating and clocking in at just over an hour and forty minutes- the premise piqued my interest:

“An insecure young woman gets a tattoo, hoping it will boost her confidence. But the design comes to life- taking over her body and mind.”

I can’t say I’ve ever seen a horror movie about a tattoo possessing anyone before- so I knew this would be a good (see: awful) place to start.

As always, I’ll be spoiling this film at length and in detail- so if you don’t want it to be ruined for you or for any reason feel the need to watch this for yourself- DO NOT click on the “Read More/Continue Reading” button.

You’ve been warned.

Welcome to “Horrors of Netflix: 2016”, everyone!

Oct 29

Horrors of Netflix: “The Ouija Experiment”

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TheOuijaExperimentPoster October is pretty much over, and- unfortunately- so is another season of Legally Redhead’s “Horrors of Netflix” series. It’s been a fun ride this past month, briefly interrupted while I traveled to the West Coast for nearly a week- but I feel like I picked some real winners to watch and review this time around (I use the term “winners” very, very loosely of course.)– and I hope those who have been reading my summaries and my suffering have enjoyed the posts as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them.

Of course, I plan on resurrecting “Horrors of Netflix” again in October 2016. By then, I’m sure Netflix will have added a fresh new crop of bad, cheesy, and nonsensical scary movies. I’m looking forward to it!

To close out this year’s assortment of one-star rated travesties, I opted for 2011’s ‘The Ouija Experiment’. Since Halloween falls on a Saturday this year, I’ll be making the rounds around different events and parties without fear of heading to work the following morning- and I do believe one of my friends mentioned breaking out her own Ouija board for fun.

What could go wrong?

The synopsis, via Netflix:

“Film student Brandon and four friends play with a Ouija board, unwittingly opening a portal to the spirit world and a drowned girl’s deadly mystery.”

Oh, this is going to be fun.

AS USUAL- SPOILERS AHEAD. If you don’t want to know the ins and outs of ‘The Ouija Experiment’ (and why wouldn’t you?) DO NOT PROCEED. DO NOT CLICK THE “CONTINUE READING” TAB.

But if you do click it- enjoy!

Oct 27

Horrors of Netflix: “Black Forest”

And- of course- there are spoilers ahead! If, for whatever reason, you want to watch “Black Forest” for yourself (and why wouldn’t you?) THEN DO NOT CLICK THE “CONTINUE READING” TAB. I REPEAT. DO NOT PROCEED.

You’ve been warned!

Oct 14

Horrors of Netflix: “Jug Face”

And as always- my review (see: suffering) through this movie will be placed behind a “CONTINUE READING” cut for those who would rather see ‘Jug Face’ for themselves, for whatever reason. If you do not want to be spoiled- DO NOT CONTINUE.

You’ve been warned!

Oct 09

Horrors of Netflix: “Twixt”

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TwixtPoster In the three years I’ve been writing my “Horrors of Netflix” posts, it’s only recently dawned on me that I’ve never written one about a vampire movie. Sure, I’ve sat through my fair share of ghosts, serial killers, and other paranormal entities (and there was also that one incident with Gary Busey), but the most classic of horror figures- Dracula and his ilk- are scarce.

I decided to rectify that gross oversight this year- and skimmed through the “Vampire Horror Movies” category on Netflix (it’s a real thing!) to find a bottom of the barrel bloodsucker film. To my surprise, I came across a one-star rated flick from 2011, “Twixt”, which was written and directed by none other than Francis Ford Coppola.

While Mr. Coppola is undoubtedly one of the finest writers and directors of all time- he’s also been responsible for some Godawful contributions to the cinematic world (hello, ‘Godfather: Part III’!) and judging solely by the synopsis for ‘Twixt’, this is another one to add to his scrap pile of movies he probably wants to forget about. Unfortunately for him- the internet forgets nothing.

From Netflix:

“In this gothic horror film from Francis Ford Coppola, a has-been writer becomes embroiled in a murder mystery during a stop on his book tour.”

While reviewing the synopsis, I also noticed that this movie stars Elle Fanning, and- wait for it…

… Wait for it…

… Val. Kilmer.

I didn’t choose this movie for that reason. I swear.

As usual, I’m putting my break-down of this movie behind a “Continue Reading” tag. If you don’t want to be spoiled and would rather see this movie for yourself- DO NOT PROCEED. You’ve been warned!

Oct 02

Horrors of Netflix: “The Traveler”

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TheTravelerPoster Oh, you’re damned right I’m kicking off October with one of my favorite traditions- reviewing the absolute worst horror movies that Netflix has to offer! Maybe it’s because I’m a bit of a masochist, since watching most of these 1-2 star rated flicks on a regular basis over the course of a month could be considered a form of torture or punishment to those with a more refined cinematic palate- but I really and truly do enjoy it. You could say I’m even inspired by these typically low-budget filmmaking endeavors- because you know that as bad as they are (and they usually are pretty terrible)– they came from a place of love and respect for one of my favorite genres, and were made with the best of intentions…

… They’re just almost always executed awfully from start to finish.

Choosing the first movie to sink my teeth into for what will be my third year of doing “Horrors of Netflix” proved to be slightly difficult. I mean, I wanted to start this season’s reviews with a bang. Scrolling down my recommendations and watching as the rating for each film that passed by my eyes gradually became lower and lower and the covers became more and more cheesy- I wanted something that looked suspenseful, not-too-old- and, wait–

— oh my God, is that Val Kilmer? The same Val Kilmer I had a crush on when I was nine?

We have a winner.

2010’s “The Traveler” boasts a rating that falls just a fraction higher than one star. The synopsis, via Netflix:

“A mysterious drifter wanders into a small-town police station and confesses to a series of murders, none of which has occurred… yet.”

Wuh oh. That “yet” in the description is pretty ominous!

As always, I’ll be posting the thorough and detailed review under a “Continue Reading” cut for those who would rather watch the movie for themselves. You’ve been warned! If you don’t want to be spoiled- do not proceed!

Dec 21

Top 8 Christmas Flicks.

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With my holiday shopping done (finally!) and a pre-Christmas Sunday dinner with some of my family wrapping up a few hours ago, I’m preparing to unwind for the evening before I begin what will be a short work-week tomorrow morning by watching a couple of my favorite classic Christmas movies. Back in June, I compiled a short list of some of my favorite Summer-centric films that never fail to entertain me and get me into the seasonal spirit- and with us being right in the middle of the most celebrated season of all- just days away from Christmas- I thought I’d put together another list of my favorite Holiday movies.

Now, it wasn’t easy- there are SO many Christmas movies I love and cherish, but I narrowed it down to the ones that I will stop and watch- no matter how far along the movie is when I tune in- and watch until the end, over and over- and never get tired of them.

‘Tis the season- and here are my Top 8 Christmas Flicks!

1. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

“And why is the carpet wet, Todd?”

“I don’t KNOW, Margo!”

Of all the Christmas movies I adore, ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’ is by far my favorite. Not only does it ALWAYS make me laugh- pretty much every scene, really- but I think nearly everyone at some point can relate to the chaos that ensues when Clark Griswold tries to put together the perfect ol’ fashioned family Christmas for his family. Struggling to get the lights on the exterior of the house to work? Bickering in-laws? Unexpected visits from the more eccentric (and kinda’ gross) family members? Being subscribed to a Jelly of the Month Club in lieu of a Christmas bonus? Squirrels hiding in the Christmas Tree? We’ve all been there in one way or another.

2. A Christmas Story (1983)

You would think that a movie that gets aired 24 hours straight from Christmas Eve through the end of Christmas Day would get tiresome after a while, but that isn’t the case with “A Christmas Story.” Like Clark Griswold’s mishaps and meltdowns- Ralphie’s quest to get a coveted Red Ryder B.B. gun for Christmas despite his teacher, his mother, and a mall Santa telling him he’ll shoot his eye out is hilarious and stands the test of time.

From the Old Man’s “Major Award,” and the triple-dog-dare by the iced over flagpole, to the bunny pajamas from Hell and Ralphie’s Life Buoy soap punishment- 24 hours never seems like enough time to view this movie. Also? Visiting Ralphie’s house is on my to-do list.

3. Home Alone (1990)

Christmas just isn’t Christmas without watching Kevin McCallister set traps and outsmart two bumbling, idiot thieves while learning about the importance of family. While I’m also a fan of “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York,” (although Child Protective Services really should have intervened and investigated Kevin’s parents after that one,) but nothing will top the original.

Watching Marv shriek in pure terror as Buzz’s tarantula crawls across his face will always be one of my favorite moments from when I watched this movie with my family when I was a kid- but as I get older- I find myself tearing up (in a good way) when Kevin’s neighbor, Old Man Marley, reunites with his son and his granddaughter while Kevin looks on from his window as the snow falls. It gets me every time.

4. The Holiday (2006)

I’m not one for romantic comedies, but “The Holiday” really touches me on a personal level because I connect so much with the character, Iris, played by Kate Winslet. The movie, for those who haven’t seen it or heard of it- follows two women, strangers to each other and frustrated with the complications and disappointments in their love lives- who agree to swap homes for two weeks around Christmastime on an Airbnb style website. Iris ends up in Los Angeles while Cameron Diaz’s character- Amanda- ends up in Surrey, England. Predictably, both women find love, as well as inner-strength while they’re visiting abroad- just in time for Christmas.

A little cliché, sure- but the movie delivers strong performances from Winslet, Diaz, Jude Law, Jack Black- and some really great, poignant lines from the late, great Eli Wallach.

5. The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

I think I’ve seen every possible version of “A Christmas Carol” that has ever been made- but my favorite will always and forever be the one with the Muppets, because they just make everything infinitely better. No disrespect to Bill Murray or Patrick Stewart, who did phenomenal jobs in their roles in their interpretations of this story- but with catchy, thoughtful musical numbers and a Tiny Tim frog with a little crutch that will melt even the iciest of hearts- this is a must-watch for me every year.

And my absolute favorite part of this movie is watching the regal, classy Michael Caine’s (Scrooge) banter with my two favorite Muppets- Statler and Waldorf- who play Ebenezer’s ghostly former associates. It’s the BEST.

6. White Christmas (1954)

The oldest movie on this list is also the one that many consider to be the most classic. “White Christmas” reminds me of many things- mostly Christmas Eves or Christmas Days spent visiting at my grandparents’ house when I was a kid and listening to Bing Crosby holiday records playing from their living room. This movie was almost always playing on a television set somewhere in their home, and I would almost always sit down- bundle up in blankets- and watch intently as Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye sang and danced their hearts out to save a pitiful inn somewhere in Vermont.

While the story itself might not exactly withstand the test of time, there’s plenty of lovely musical numbers and a much-needed happy ending for all of the characters to keep even the most cynical of viewers entertained and feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

7. The Santa Clause (1994)

Before inspiring a couple of unnecessary sequels (and I think may have inspired “Christmas with the Kranks,” which was also unnecessary) that I never had any interest in seeing, there was simply the first “The Santa Clause,” which my parents took me to see in theaters when I was younger . Putting aside the fact that Scott Calvin (Tim Allen,) who gradually and reluctantly transforms into Santa Clause after accidentally killing the original man in the red suit- had the most irritating, whiny son on Earth- the story was, at the time, really unique for a Christmas movie and had plenty of silly jokes for kids and even more “adult” jokes geared towards the grown-ups- which I didn’t get until another viewing when I was much, much older.

8. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

My favorite thing about “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” apart from the animation and the music- is that this movie has the distinction of being both a Halloween movie, AND a Christmas movie. It’s a great combination of creepy and festive. The best scene, following Jack Skellington’s twisted take on delivering presents for Santa Clause, is when the toys come to life and proceed to terrify the living hell out of the human children who received them. The little boy screaming while the gigantic toy snake devours his Christmas tree never fails to get me to laugh- and songs like “Making Christmas,” “What’s This?” and “Kidnap the Sandy Claws” deserve a spot on a lot of holiday playlists.

I love to watch this movie in October, and then again around this time of year because whether it’s Halloween or Christmas- I always feel festive.

And that’s it! Eight of my all-time favorite Christmas movies- a blend of comedies, classics, and childhood memories. Not included are annual specials like “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,” “Frosty the Snowman,” or the animated version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” since I consider those separate from full-length feature films- but I always make a point to watch those every year, too!

And if anyone wants to share their favorite holiday movies, too- feel free!

Oct 30

Horrors of Netflix: “The Pact”

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ThePactPoster I can’t believe October is nearly over, and with it’s conclusion, my “Horrors of Netflix” reviews wrap up for another year. I’ve had a lot of fun (mixed with a good amount of misery, of course,) watching a handful of terrible, ridiculous, poorly rated horror movies over the past few weeks- and I hope those of you who have read the reviews have enjoyed them as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them. I’ll be continuing the tradition next October, since Netflix will undoubtedly have plenty more awful films to browse.

For my final review this month, I chose a movie that was continuously recommended to me each and every time I logged onto my account: 2012’s “The Pact.” A brief synopsis, from Netflix:

Feeling obligated to return home for the funeral of the mother she despised, Annie soon senses an evil presence in her childhood home.

The movie apparently did well at Sundance that year, which doesn’t really mean anything when you consider some of the other films that have received good reviews over the years and have turned out to be absolute garbage. I’ll take this one at it’s 1 1/2 star rating.

As usual, I’ll be spoiling the hell out of this movie- so if you don’t want to know what happens (or if you just really don’t care,) then DO NOT CLICK “CONTINUE READING”

Onward!

Legally Redhead

The Life and Times of Ashley Elizabeth

Tag Archives: movie reviews

Horrors of Netflix: “The Chosen”

Horrors of Netflix: “Fairlane Road”

Horrors of Netflix: “Comforting Skin”

Horrors of Netflix: “The Ouija Experiment”

AS USUAL- SPOILERS AHEAD. If you don’t want to know the ins and outs of ‘The Ouija Experiment’ (and why wouldn’t you?) DO NOT PROCEED. DO NOT CLICK THE “CONTINUE READING” TAB.

Horrors of Netflix: “Black Forest”

And- of course- there are spoilers ahead! If, for whatever reason, you want to watch “Black Forest” for yourself (and why wouldn’t you?) THEN DO NOT CLICK THE “CONTINUE READING” TAB. I REPEAT. DO NOT PROCEED.

Horrors of Netflix: “Jug Face”

And as always- my review (see: suffering) through this movie will be placed behind a “CONTINUE READING” cut for those who would rather see ‘Jug Face’ for themselves, for whatever reason. If you do not want to be spoiled- DO NOT CONTINUE.

Horrors of Netflix: “Twixt”

As usual, I’m putting my break-down of this movie behind a “Continue Reading” tag. If you don’t want to be spoiled and would rather see this movie for yourself- DO NOT PROCEED. You’ve been warned!

Horrors of Netflix: “The Traveler”

As always, I’ll be posting the thorough and detailed review under a “Continue Reading” cut for those who would rather watch the movie for themselves. You’ve been warned! If you don’t want to be spoiled- do not proceed!

Top 8 Christmas Flicks.

Horrors of Netflix: “The Pact”