The past week has been a journey for me- one of self-discovery (or maybe rediscovering myself would be more accurate?), carefree fun, and being surrounded by good friends- old and new- who made me feel alive and like myself again.
For those who haven’t been keeping up with the more personal happenings in my life that I’ve been occasionally mentioning here since everything initially went down back in May, here’s a breakdown I shared a few days ago on social media:
For the past (almost) 2 months, I have more or less been completely exhausted and numb to everything and everyone. A 7-year on/off relationship (and even longer friendship) I was involved in crumbled around me when I found out my now ex-whatever-he-was had been deceitful and dishonest with me for nearly a year.
After multiple confrontations, arguments, and even unsuccessful attempts to find resolution and salvage what we could in the mess of things- I was blamed and shamed for our downfall and manipulated into taking responsibility for HIS actions. I was insulted- both about my feelings on the matter and even about trivial things like my body (first I was looking too curvy, and now I’m “disgustingly skinny.”)
Here’s the thing: when someone you loved and trusted tells you these things over and over- especially during times of uncertainty and crisis and confusion- you start to believe them. For the past two months I have felt like I was a horrible person who deserved the bad things that were happening to me. I wasn’t sexy enough to hold a man’s full attention. I wasn’t smart enough to keep them interested. I was irrational and too emotional. Basically- I was being told I was the worst.
I have since cut my ex out of my life- in all aspects and capacities. I knew what he was doing/saying was bullshit and not true- but it didn’t make me feel anymore enthusiastic about re-joining the world around me.
I had been throwing myself into work these past couple of months. I had been avoiding spending long periods of time with people for fear they, too, would think I was the worst and undeserving of basic common decency.
But I got invited by multiple people to come to Connecticut these past couple of nights- both to see a show by one of my favorite bands (The Killers!) and catch up with longtime friends on their touring crew. It took some coercing, even some bribing- but I eventually agreed.
When people you care about and respect- some whom you’ve seen recently and others you haven’t seen in years- act like they are genuinely happy to see you and are thrilled to be in your presence- when they PICK YOU UP TO BEAR HUG YOU IN THEIR EXCITEMENT– it changes you. When those people treat you with a level of kindness and compassion you’d gone so long without experiencing from the one person who SHOULD have been treating you that way to begin with- you start to feel things again.
I needed those last 48 hours. I needed the hugs, the jokes, the understanding as I explained what was happening to me in my life- and yes, the drinks (always the drinks!) I needed to watch one of my favorite bands play songs that still resonate deeply with me from the best seat in the house beside one of my best friends.
I needed that in order to reaffirm with myself and anyone around me within earshot that I’m not going to waste another 7 years of my life. I put things on hold in my twenties for a relationship that went nowhere and ended in flames. I essentially wasted what should have been the fun, wild and carefree years of my life accommodating a dishonest and selfish asshole.
I refuse to do that again now that I’ve entered my 30’s. Not when I’ve been reminded that I matter and that there are good people out there who see my value and appreciate every part of me (even if I’m supposedly “disgustingly skinny.”)
I’m going to do the things I’ve been putting off for YEARS. I’m not going to become complicit with being “comfortable” or settle on playing it safe. I’ve done that for far too long already.
Thank you to my boys- you all know who you are- and also to The Killers, who provided the backdrop and soundtrack to these amazing connections I’ve made over the years.
I love and appreciate all of you. I truly do.
That was written in the late hours of Thursday night/Friday morning, just a short while after I’d watched The Killers play a good chunk of their hits (and some B-sides!) at Mohegan Sun. It’s been a few days, but I’m still buzzing with energy- both from the music and from seeing some of my absolute favorite people for the first time in what felt like ages. I haven’t been that happy or energized in a long time. It was a like a pure shot/jolt of lightning and adrenaline straight into my heart, my mind, and my spirit. A shot/jolt I desperately needed to wake me up and get me out of the perpetual state of depressed fogginess I’d found myself in.
I know I still have some stuff to process and work through, but I feel so much more prepared to do it now, and even more motivated and excited to move forward while simultaneously getting my life back together as I start towards the future- MY future- much stronger and reassured with myself and my value than I had been previously. Just because one person- one guy- didn’t appreciate or respect me doesn’t mean that nobody else does, or that I shouldn’t be appreciated or respected in the first place. It just means it’s his loss- not mine.
I just feel so free, and so excited again- and I also feel so unbelievably grateful to be experiencing emotions that aren’t just awful anymore.
I can’t wait to see what’s next.